I found this gem, something I wrote on April 4, 2012, just shy of 2 months after the passing of my husband. Just a little insight into the early days of my journey.
Who I am now
I am a recent widow. My husband, Bryan, passed away unexpectedly at the age of 42. I am a widow at 41 with an 8 year old little girl. He died on Valentine’s Day, 2012. It has been less than two months and we are struggling to find a “new normal.” I might have a really good day, followed by a really bad day, complete with anxiety and a breakdown or two. I would rather re-live my worst day with Bryan than go through this. I cannot concentrate, I am no longer emotionally invested in my life. To see my daughter in pain breaks my heart.
I have been blessed and at times overwhelmed with support from family, friends, aquaintences, etc… Where they have truly lifted us through some of the darkest times, they have at times become a form of stress….”How are you doing?” “I am so sorry, I do not know what to say?” “Is there anything I can do?”
I feel bad if I vent too much, so I resort to stock answers….”I am OK.” I still can’t bring myself to say “I am good.” Because that is too far from the truth.
It is still hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he is not coming back. That I will never hear his voice. Never see him read with our daughter. Never have a stupid argument about nothing.
People are always telling me about the parent or grandparent they lost. I do not want to dismiss them or make them feel like their loss was not as great…..just different. No one is prepared for death, not really, and to have it come suddenly at the age of 42 is earth shattering. Your life is so intermeshed with a spouse’s. You can get through the funeral, the legal stuff, even sorting through their belongings…all of those are hard, but tell me, how do you get through life? There is no one else that will get your inside jokes, that can read your body language as well, or get your silent cues.
We did not have a perfect life together, to say that would be a lie, but we had a life together…with ups and downs and struggles and successes. We shared 17 years and for 12 of them we were married.
Everyone has to go through the stages of grief….when do I get to anger? Anger I think I can handle…I can direct that, I am good at that…..this dispair thing….not so much. People tell me I am so strong…I don’t feel strong, not today…
My life these days is quite different, and in some ways, very much the same. Amazing to me to re-read these words. Cathartic and uplifting in a way, because I can see the path of healing.